Newsletter Articles

Check out the following articles

• How to Be More Self-Confident  NEW!
• Strategies for Dealing with the Holiday Blues
• Financial Worries --- Staying 'A-Float'
• How to Help Your Child Have Strong Self-Esteem
• How People Change
• Assertive Communication: 20 Tips
• 29 Ways To Keep Your Relationship Tuned Up
• Parent Your Teen With Less Stress
• Part One - How to Maintain Communication
• Part Two - Preventing High-Risk Behavior

How to Be More Self-Confident

Where Does Self-Confidence Come From?

Self-confidence is not something people are born with. It results from a combination of factors:

1. Learned skill: Self-confidence is a combination of skills, not just a single quality. People are not born with it or without it. It can be learned.
2. Practice: Self-confidence comes from practice. It may appear to be spontaneous, but it isn’t.
3. Sense of control: People who are self-directing, who accept responsibility for their own results, have greater self-confidence.

Self-Confidence Builders

There are many concrete, specific things you can do to feel more confident in challenging life situations. Make note of those that will help you develop your own sense of self-confidence.

1. Follow your strengths. Self-confidence comes from being the best "you" possible. It doesn’t come from trying to be someone else. It is the result of following paths like these:
• Do what comes naturally.
• Develop your talents.
• Follow your convictions.
• Express your own style.
2. Plan ahead. Many people are surprised to hear that self-confidence comes from something as ordinary as planning. But think about it; let’s say you are going on a job interview, almost always an anxiety-producing experience. When you are prepared, you feel more confident.
3. Take action. Confidence comes from taking action. Break your challenge down into small steps and take that first step, no matter how small it seems.
4. Study The more you know about your subject, the more confident you will feel. In fact, the lack of self-confidence almost always stems from a lack of information. We’ve all had that sick feeling that we don’t fully understand what we are talking about.
5. Act the part. The following tips will help you begin to present yourself in a positive way.
• Find a role model. Look for someone who is already successful in your field. Observe him or her and identify for yourself what behaviors convey self-confidence.
• Look and act powerful. Watch people who create a powerful impression. It could be a TV anchor, a character in a movie, or a coworker. Imagine yourself behaving in a similar way.
• Be aware of nonverbal behavior that detracts from presenting yourself with confidence. Ask for feedback from a trusted friend or watch yourself on videotape.
6. Rehearse for success.One of the most important ways to boost your self-confidence is by rehearsing important conversations and presentations. You can never be too prepared. These ideas will help you practice so that you really understand your subject:
• Manage your anxiety. Feeling anxious is normal when you are in a challenging situation. The key is learning to manage anxiety so it doesn’t paralyze you or diminish your effectiveness.
• Get organized.When your materials are prepared and well-organized, you will feel better about your ability to access them. Having information scattered in too many places makes you feel out of control and undermines your self-confidence.
7. Persist. Self-confidence is the result of a lot of hard work. The process takes time. It has been said that success is 99% persistence and 1% talent.
8. Enjoy your success.When you reach your goal, don’t forget to give yourself credit for working hard. Be proud of what you’ve accomplished.

EAP is free to our client company employees and their family members and all contacts are strictly confidential.

You can reach us at (321) 723-8823, toll-free at 1-877-723-8823 or by email at efac@employeeandfamilyassistance.com. Our office is located at
1501 Robert Conlan Blvd., Suite 200, Palm Bay, FL 32905.

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Strategies for Dealing with the Holiday Blues

While the holiday blues are usually temporary, these ideas can help make this year’s holiday experience more pleasant and less stressful.

Be realistic. Don’t expect the holiday season to solve all past problems. The forced cheerfulness of the holiday season cannot ward off sadness or loneliness.

Drink less alcohol. Even though drinking alcohol gives you a temporary feeling of well-being, it is a depressant and never makes anything better.

Give yourself permission not to feel cheerful. Accept how you are feeling. If you have recently experienced a loss, you can’t expect yourself to put on a happy face. Tell others how you are feeling and what you need.

Have a spending limit and stick to it. Look for holiday activities that are free, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations. Go window-shopping without purchasing anything. Look for ways to show people you care without spending a lot.

Be honest. Express your feelings to those around you in a constructive, honest, and open way. If you need to confront someone with a problem, begin your sentences with "I feel."

Look for sources of support. Learn about offerings at mental health centers, churches, and synagogues. Many of these have special support groups, workshops, and other activities designed to help people deal with the holiday blues.

Give yourself special care. Schedule times to relax and pamper yourself. Take a warm bath or spend an evening with a good book.

Set limits and priorities. Be realistic about what you will be able to accomplish. Prepare a To-Do list to help you arrange your priorities.

Volunteer your time. If you are troubled because you won’t be seeing your family, volunteer to work at a hospital or food bank. Volunteering can help raise your spirits by turning your focus to people who are less fortunate than you are.

Get some exercise. Exercise has a positive impact on depression because it boosts serotonin levels. Try to get some type of exercise at least twice each week.

EAP is free to our client company employees and their family members and all contacts are strictly confidential.

You can reach us at (321) 723-8823, toll-free at 1-877-723-8823 or by email at efac@employeeandfamilyassistance.com. Our office is located at
1501 Robert Conlan Blvd., Suite 200, Palm Bay, FL 32905.

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Financial Worries --- Staying 'A-Float'

Given our "buy now-pay later" culture it should not be surprising that more people than ever are experiencing financial difficulties. You may be one of those people who know that 'sinking feeling'. Paying a mortgage or rent, car payments, taxes, insurance, energy, food and daily essentials are all increasing in cost. You may be feeling overwhelmed by the stress and afraid to open the mail and see more bills due, or answer the phone and hear a bill collector’s message. If this sounds a bit like you, you’re not alone and help is available. Whether you feel like you’re managing to stay afloat or about to sink, take a look at the most troublesome areas: credit abuse, money mis-management, and money crises.

Credit is a mainstay of our economy; the problem is many of us are better at buying than at the paying later. Using credit wisely is the first step to staying afloat: experts suggest keeping no more than 3 to 4 credit cards and only those with the lowest interest rates and fees-SHOP AROUND for the best deal for you, not the lender. Prioritize purchases and save for large expenditures and try not to use credit for everyday purchases like food and gas.

Money management is not difficult: the goal is to regulate your monthly IN-COME in relationship to OUT-GO (expenses) in a way that helps reach and maintain your financial goals. Not knowing where your money is going is called 'blind spending' so keeping track of spending habits via a monthly budget is a must-do; watch for overspending in a particular area: clothes, meals out, or gifts for example. And, aim to put some amount of your income into monthly savings.

Whether you're newly employed, a 'seasoned' workforce veteran, or somewhere in between, start planning for a financial crisis: divorce, illness, or a sudden drop in income or earning power can happen to just about anyone. By preparing ahead of time you can survive an emergency situation. The rule-of-thumb is to have a 3 month fund enough to cover your living expenses while you 'weather the storm'. Begin building your survival fund today!

Managing your money--instead of letting it manage you--will give you more confidence and peace of mind. With a personal money plan designed to realize your goals, you can enjoy the sense of financial security.

We've included a link to Consumer Credit Counseling Service, an affiliate with the National Foundation for Consumer Credit and the United Way, where you will find information on budget counseling, debt management programs, credit counseling, homeownership counseling, and a variety of educational articles and money management tools. The national CCCS website is www.nfcc.org and the local chapter is www.fccbrevard.com.

EAP is free to our client company employees and their family members and all contacts are strictly confidential.

You can reach us at (321) 723-8823, toll-free at 1-877-723-8823 or by email at efac@employeeandfamilyassistance.com. Our office is located at
1501 Robert Conlan Blvd., Suite 200, Palm Bay, FL 32905.

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How to Help Your Child Have Strong Self-Esteem

Here is a list of ways to convey the message "You are worthwhile" to your children. This list could fill a hundred newsletters, since the ways to raise responsible, happy children are limited only by our imaginations. Here are some places to begin.

1. Tell her on a regular basis that you love her. Actually say the words. If you think, "I don’t have to tell her. She knows," you are wrong. It doesn’t count if you think it but don’t say it out loud.
2. Tell him that you are glad he is your child. Say the words and mean them. If you don’t feel it, there is something wrong and you should find out what’s going on. We all have moments when we have a hard time getting in touch with our positive feelings for our children. I’m not talking about those times. I’m talking about in general, most of the time, if you’re not feeling good about being your child’s parent, something is wrong. He will never feel good about himself if he senses that you are not connected to him.
3. Give her an example to follow. Take the time to teach her the steps. Kids need models. It’s unfair to expect that she will know what to do in her daily life if you haven’t shown her how to do it.
4. Spend time with him. If you are absent most of the time, he notices, and he probably thinks it’s because he isn’t important enough.
5. Look at her when you speak to her. This conveys, "This is important and you are important."
6. Look at him when he speaks to you. This conveys, "What you are saying is important. You are important."
7. Explain why. It takes more time, but it conveys that she is important enough to spend the time helping her understand. When you explain why, you are also saying, "I understand that you need to know why. I am going to help you meet your needs."
8. When he tells you about something that happened, ask him how he feels about it. Take the time to listen to his answer.
9. When you ask a question, encourage her to elaborate. Say, "Tell me more about that," or ask, "What was that like? "
10. When you ask a question, don’t interrupt when she is answering.
11. When you ask a question, watch your responses. Don’t disagree or criticize his answer. This teaches him that it isn’t safe to be candid and will make him edit what he tells you.
12. Take her seriously.
13. Participate in the driving. The kids whose parents never help with the driving feel bad about themselves.
14. Say no when you need to say no. Kids need to know there are limits and that some things are outside of those limits.
15. When you say no, explain why.
16. When you say yes, explain why.

EAP is free to our client company employees and their family members and all contacts are strictly confidential.

You can reach us at (321) 723-8823, toll-free at 1-877-723-8823 or by email at efac@employeeandfamilyassistance.com. Our office is located at
1501 Robert Conlan Blvd., Suite 200, Palm Bay, FL 32905.

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How People Change

What Is Happiness?

If you are thinking about changing your life for the better, one way to start is by identifying your goals. You are probably hoping to find some version of happiness or emotional well-being. That might look like any combination of the following:

• A sense of freedom
• Self-esteem
• Self-confidence
• Happy to get up in the morning
• Working toward goals
• A sense of purpose in life
• Satisfying relationships

What Is Unhappiness?

If you are thinking about changing your life, you may be experiencing some combination of the following elements:

• Feeling sad, lethargic or depressed
• Feeling afraid
• Abusing or being addicted to alcohol or drugs
• Feeling lonely
• Anxiety
• Problems with relationships
• Not getting what you want in life; feeling frustrated in working toward goals
• Not caring enough to have goals

How Will You Change?

When you decide to change your life, try the following ideas.

• Explore your feelings. Why do I want to make this change? What do I hope to feel more; to feel less? Talk things over with someone you trust.
• Envision your future. What will things look like if I make some changes? Try to be specific about the type of change: physical, professional, personal, spiritual. Ask yourself, "If I make this change how will I be different? "
• Be open to new ideas. Take a class, travel, say yes to things you may have avoided in the past.
• Look for kindred spirits. Avoid people who make you feel bad about yourself, seek out those who make you blossom, reach out to those with similar interests and dreams.
• Try something different. Deliberately buy new items, try different brands, shop at different stores, do the opposite of what you usually do, see different movies, read different kinds of books and magazines.
• Set goals and targets. Learn how to set useful goals, follow through, evaluate progress regularly, reward yourself for achievement.
• Take one step at a time. Divide your goals into tiny pieces and do one small new thing each day, starting now.
• Look for lessons. Remind yourself that experiences are not good or bad; they are simply lessons.

EAP is free to our client company employees and their family members and all contacts are strictly confidential.

You can reach us at (321) 723-8823, toll-free at 1-877-723-8823 or by email at efac@employeeandfamilyassistance.com. Our office is located at
1501 Robert Conlan Blvd., Suite 200, Palm Bay, FL 32905.

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Assertive Communication: 20 Tips

By Tom Phillips

Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.

1. Choose the right time. Imagine you're dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, "Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?" Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.
2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.
3. Be direct. For example, "Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project." Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.
4. Say "I," not "we." Instead of saying, "We need the project by Tuesday," say, "I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday."
5. Be specific. Instead of, "Put a rush on the Microsoft project," say, "I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning."
6. Use body language to emphasize your words. "Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning," is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.
7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.
8. Stand up for yourself. Don't allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: "I was here first," "I'd like more coffee, please," "Excuse me, but I have another appointment," "Please turn down the radio," or "This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare."
9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don't know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.
10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.
11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.
12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, "Thank you."
13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.
14. Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person's behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: "Please don't talk to me that way," rather than, "What kind of jerk are you?"
15. Use "I" statements when commenting on another's behavior. For example: "When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it's extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed."
16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. ("I think we'd better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.")
17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.
18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don't leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don't learn new skills overnight.
19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.
20. Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.

EAP is free to our client company employees and their family members and all contacts are strictly confidential.

You can reach us at (321) 723-8823, toll-free at 1-877-723-8823 or by email at efac@employeeandfamilyassistance.com. Our office is located at
1501 Robert Conlan Blvd., Suite 200, Palm Bay, FL 32905.

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29 WAYS TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP TUNED UP

By Mark Chan, Ph.D.

Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart? Here are some ways you can make your partner feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship from becoming a casualty.

1. Treat your partner as you would your boss, best friend, or best customer.
2. Think about what your partner wants and give it to him or her.
3. Think of ways you can do the unexpected and be thoughtful. Remember how you acted when you wanted to win your partner over.
4. Pay attention to your appearance. Dress nicely; get into shape.
5. Express your thoughts carefully. Being married doesn’t give anyone permission to let it all hang out.
6. Spend regular time together alone.
7. Look for ways to compliment your partner.
8. Hug when you say hello and goodbye. It feels good and it makes people feel loved.
9. Learn and practice communication skills. Relating successfully to another person requires a set of skills that can be learned.
10. Be polite. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you can forget your manners.
11. When you want something, say please.
12. When your partner does something for you, say thank you.
13. When your partner comes home after a day at work, greet her at the door and say hello. Ask how her day went.
14. When your partner leaves for work in the morning, say goodbye and "I love you " or "Have a good day."
15. When your partner faces a challenge at work during the day, ask how it went when you get home.
16. During your evening meal together, avoid the temptation to watch television or read the paper or mail. Look at your partner and have a conversation.
17. If you want to make plans that affect how your partner will be spending time, check with him first and make sure it's convenient.
18. When you ask your partner a question, make eye contact and listen to the answer.
19. When you disagree with something your partner says, pay attention to your response. Do you express your opinion without putting her down? You can express your opinion assertively rather than aggressively. For example, you can say, "I have another opinion. I think we should wait until spring to have the walls painted," rather than, "That’s silly! We should wait until spring."
20. Pay attention to how much of your side of the conversation is asking questions versus making statements. If you tend to be the dominant one, ask more questions.
21. Ask open-ended questions to encourage your partner to open up and talk.Open-ended questions begin like this:
1. Tell me about . . .
2. What do you think of . . .
3. What was it like when . . .
22. Have you become passive with your partner because that’s the easiest way to avoid conflict? Over time, this is not a good idea. You will inevitably begin to build up feelings of resentment because you are stifling your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. If you think you are choosing passive behavior too often, think about discussing it with your partner and asking him to help you be more assertive.
23. Researchers have found that people whose marriages last the longest have learned to separate from their families of origin (their own parents and siblings) and have appropriate, healthy boundaries. They value and honor their own privacy and separateness as a couple. This means they have regular, appropriate contact with their extended family, but that it is not excessive or stifling. How do you compare?
24. Check your communication with your partner and beware of using "You" messages. These are statements that begin with you. For example:
1. You need to come home by 6:00 tonight.
2. You shouldn’t do that.
3. You should call me from the office and tell me when you’ll be home.
4. Here is what you ought to do.

"You" messages are damaging because they make the other person feel bad or disrespected. It feels like you are talking down to him or her.

25. If you want to demonstrate to your partner that you respect and esteem him or her, try speaking with "I" messages instead. When you start your statement with "I," you are taking responsibility for the statement. It is less blameful and less negative than the "you" message.

You can use this formula: Your feelings + Describe the behavior + Effect on you. This is how an "I" message sounds:

When I heard that you’d planned a weekend up north, I was confused about why you hadn’t asked me first, so I could be sure to get the time off.

It takes some practice and you have to stop and think about what you are going to say, but your marriage deserves to be handled with care.

26. Make a list of your partner’s positive qualities. Share them with him and tell her why you think each is true.
27. Ask your partner to do the same for you.
28. Respect each other’s private space. Over time, many couples let this slide.
29. As the years pass, many couples begin to feel like they are living in the same house, but have parallel lives. Their paths cross in fewer places. What is the trend in your relationship and what do you want to do about it?

EAP is free to our client company employees and their family members and all contacts are strictly confidential.

You can reach us at (321) 723-8823, toll-free at 1-877-723-8823 or by email at efac@employeeandfamilyassistance.com. Our office is located at
1501 Robert Conlan Blvd., Suite 200, Palm Bay, FL 32905.

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PARENTING YOUR TEEN WITH LESS STRESS

By Mark Cohen, M.A.
• Part One
• Part Two

Part Two - Preventing High-Risk Behavior

All parents fear their teens becoming involved in high-risk behaviors such as drinking, smoking, and sexual activity. There are some very specific things you can do to minimize your teen's need to act out. Here are some tips for preventing high-risk behavior:

1. Be a part of your teen's life. If possible, be present when he/she is likely to be home.
2. Encourage your teen to talk to you openly at any time.
3. When your teen tells you things, watch your reaction. Avoid reactions that will cause him/her to think twice about being candid with you in the future.
4. Be specific about what kind of behavior you expect and what is unacceptable.
5. Keep harmful substances out of the house. This includes cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol. When teens have access to these items, they are more likely to use them.
6. Expect good things from your teen. Teens who know their parents expect the best have greater emotional well-being.
7. Encourage your teen to become involved in school activities. Those who are involved at school engage in fewer high-risk behaviors.

EAP is free to our client company employees and their family members and all contacts are strictly confidential.

You can reach us at (321) 723-8823, toll-free at 1-877-723-8823 or by email at efac@employeeandfamilyassistance.com. Our office is located at
1501 Robert Conlan Blvd., Suite 200, Palm Bay, FL 32905.

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Part One - How to Maintain Communication

Even though teens need to separate from their parents during adolescence, they also need to know that the safety net of home and family is always there for them. If the lines of communication are shut down, they are not yet capable of surviving emotionally; they need support and input. Let’s take a look at a few guidelines for keeping the lines of communication open between parents and teenagers.

1. Pay attention to the small things along with significant things. If you are generally a good listener, your teen will be more likely to talk to you.
2. When your teen talks to you, pay attention. Don’t be doing something else.
3. If you can’t pay attention right at the moment, explain why. Ask if you can talk about the issue later, at a specific time.
4. Ask questions for clarification, but watch out for coming across as critical. If your teen sees your questions as disapproval, stop asking them.
5. Expect your teen to change his/her mind frequently. Avoid commenting on the inconsistencies.
6. Express interest and encouragement in your teen’s activities.
7. Accept your teen’s opinions, even if you don’t agree with them.

EAP is free to our client company employees and their family members and all contacts are strictly confidential.

You can reach us at (321) 723-8823, toll-free at 1-877-723-8823 or by email at efac@employeeandfamilyassistance.com. Our office is located at
1501 Robert Conlan Blvd., Suite 200, Palm Bay, FL 32905.

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